0.5 Mile Marker: 

Ugh, can’t breathe. Dumpy, awkward. Why is it that I run, again?

1.0 Mile Marker:

I’m never going to level out. It’s going to be this way for the rest of my life…I mean, the rest of this run. Maybe I should check out an aerobics class.

1.5 Mile Marker:

I want to stop. I NEED to stop. Is that a pain in my right calf?

(Drill Sergeant Melissa steps in.) Wait, give it to the end of this stretch then see if the pain is still there.

I make it another 1/10th of a mile. Pain gone.

Dammit.

2.0 Mile Marker:

At least I can breathe now, but still dumpy. This would be so much easier if I lost that annoying ten pounds.

Two twentysomething guys are coming my way, shirtless and sweaty. How you doin’? 

I’m “one of them.” I am runner. They are runner. They approach. I give them my coolest one finger wave…just as I stumble over, yeah, nothing. I just stumble.

As they pass, I notice their gazes are drawn to my mid-section. I look down to see what’s the attraction, and notice my “fitted” white t-shirt is clinging to the jiggling extra ten pounds. Nice.

2.5 Mile Marker:

Hello, Groove! Ah, yeah. Feeling fine. THIS is why I run. This is heavenly. **Head held high. Moronic grin on face.** It’s smooth sailing from now till the end. I’m halfway done. Easy money.

3.5 Mile Marker:

I NEED to stop. I’m GOING to stop. **Body deflates. Stride breaks. Steps grow even slower. **

(Drill Sergeant Melissa returns) Sure, you can stop. You just need to answer “yes” to any one of these three pertinent questions:

1 – Do you have a stomach or side cramp? No.

2 – Great. Does your knee hurt? Uh, no.

3 – Fan-freaking-tastic. Now, is it more than 90 degrees outside, and if so, do you feel tingles at the top of your head indicating heat exhaustion? **Head drops a little in shame.** Um, no. It’s like 70 degrees out here.

Wonderful. Now MOVE!! MOVE!! MOVE!!

4.5 Mile Marker:

I see the end of the trail in sight. That glorious finish line is mere moments away. I lift my knees, I am Flo Jo. I am Bruce Jenner before he became a Kardashian. I am NOT. GOING. TO. MAKE. IT.

5.0 Mile Marker. 

I am FINISHED. Yes! **fist pump**

I walk in the back door. My sweetie asks, “How was your run?”

I reply, “Awesome. Can’t wait to go again.”