It’s Christmastime! That special time of the year when children’s eyes sparkle at the magic of Christmas—Santa, his workshop, flying reindeer, and their own little personal elf who flies thousands of miles every night to the North Pole and back, landing in a different unique spot each time…or as we call it in this house: Oh, shit, did you move the elf? time.
If you’re anything like the Chambers, each morning between now and Christmas day you will wake up in a panic at 4:00 in the morning, in that foggy state, your mind racing to remember if you’ve moved the elf. If you’re like me you fall asleep on the couch around 8:00 most nights before the kid even goes to sleep and you have to depend on your husband to move the g@# d#$%&! elf. So you drag your ass out of bed in the middle of the night (yes, 4:00 is still the middle of the night) and clump around your house, praying you don’t wake up the kid before you locate the little bastard, who blends in with all the Christmas decorations.
But for me, every sleepless night that I dream that we forgot to move the elf and the magic of Christmas and the belief in everything we’ve lied to our child about for years is over is worth it. See, this year may be the last year that our little one still believes. He’s getting to that age where other little ones are learning that it’s all a ruse, and love spreading the joy of the truth through the classroom, effectively ruining Christmas for 22 families. So while my sweet angel is greeting his elf, Christmas (yes, his name is Christmas—I said my kid was sweet. I never said he was uber-creative) every time we come or go from the house, and writing him precious little letters to give to Santa, I will gladly toss and turn and wake up panicked for the next month. Also, I’m a creative liar.
REASONS YOU CAN GIVE YOUR KID FOR WHY THE ELF DIDN’T LAND IN A DIFFERENT SPOT:
1. He drank too much boiled custard and got a tummy ache, so he stayed here last night.
2. He must really love hanging off the ceiling fan, so much that he wanted to do it again today!
3. He moved. I actually saw him out of the corner of my eye. Then he saw that I saw him, got paranoid and crawled back to that same spot. I swear.
4. The dog touched him so he lost some of his magic and couldn’t fly. But don’t worry. I read on the internet that if we leave him some **insert whatever remedy you like here** he will be well enough tomorrow night to head back. But you can only do this once a season, so this is not license to touch him now. Well, maybe twice a season. Three times possibly. Just don’t touch him.
5. Santa told him to land back in that same spot. I don’t know why, Santa just said to. Do you want to argue with Santa?
Howdy, y’all! Luv, Christmas, The Elf